Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Am I going crazy again?

I feel like I have reverted back to 2004.  And why? Well, 2004 was when I last drank heavily on a continuous basis, went out every night partying, behaved inappropriately, was loud, lairy, got told off at work (a lot) and basically felt out of control but DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT.
And that's what it has been like over the last week.  Starting from just over a week ago I was low, depressed, crying for no reason, feeling worthless, avoiding going out of the flat.  Roll on to last Tuesday and suddenly I felt, "why not, let's just go out and socialise" thinking this would be a positive thing and make me feel better rather than holing up at home.
But the problem with me is when I drink, I simply do not know when to stop.
And make a complete tit of myself.

So, to Wednesday night.  I only went out because some bloke, T, who I did some cleaning for said he might pop in the bar to give me the money for the cleaning.  I was going to leave at about 9 o'clock whether he had turned up or not as he was over for the week anyway.  But then....I bumped into another friend, who was waiting for another friend and before I knew it this other friend ordered champagne to celebrate something or other and T rocked up at 10.30 with another friend of mine after they had been to dinner somewhere.  Me getting caught in the moment was a total social butterfly, jumping into conversations thinking I had something useful to contribute, talking like I know about stuff, flitting from one person to the next, flashed my tits to some random person who was a friend of a friend (along with two other girls but it was my idea) and generally made a complete arse of myself.
Afterwards I did calm down a bit and invited N and T back to mine - my ex had left me a bottle of wine and N grabbed one from her staff room.  We all had a nice calm chat back at my place and then N left.  T and I continued talking for another couple of hours and before I knew it we were in bed together.  And it was lovely.  Until Thursday morning after he left and I suddenly felt awful about what I had done - my ex is still a fuck buddy and I felt like I had cheated on him (work that one out cos I can't!) and the whole day did the walk of shame, severely hungover.
Luckily T doesn't want a relationship and neither do I, plus he is über discreet and didn't want my ex finding out either (people seem to be intimidated by him) and so we tiptoed around each other, until he left on the Sunday when he came round and we ended up in bed again (it was better sober!).
Am I out of control?  I don't know.  I feel it.  I've had some setbacks with social services and my health insurance again which has affected my mood.  But I don't understand why I can be so low one day and totally outrageous the next.  I suspect I know the reason why and don't want to admit it to myself or speak to my psychiatrist about it in case he says the dreaded words, but I don't think it's just Atypical Depression.  I mean, I even decided two weeks ago "bollocks to the medication" and seriously thought about just letting the prescription run out and come off the meds (I have been on them 4 years and this is the first time I have ever felt this about the meds).
I am so mixed up.  Anyway, see my social worker tomorrow and hopefully he has good news about my medical bills and that I can book another Psych appointment.
Until then, my friends, take it easy and lay off the wine.

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