Treatment options following Psych appointment

So last Tuesday I had a Psychiatrist appointment, the last one being in July due to my health insurer no longer paying for my medical treatment.
Let me explain, I have been feeling REALLY bad - one of my GPs has been seeing me every two days to check I am still alive and to support me towards my psych appointment.
The kind of things that have been happening have included feeling suicidal, crying a lot, not sleeping (well that's been ongoing since April), heavy body feeling, no energy, feeling empty and imagining conversations have happened when they haven't, imagining experiencing things when I haven't, poor memory - I could go on but don't want to bore you.
Anyway, Dr I said that what I was experiencing was typical of deep depression and considering I have this, plus a mood disorder (daren't ask him which one), plus the stress of no job and the stress of a relationship split have all contributed to my current state of mind.
We went on to further discussion about treatment options, including another medication change (number 5 I think) and he told me not to worry, there are another 81 medications I can try (he has a sense of humour like mine).  So he has reduced the Venlafaxine to 150mg/day and added Cipralex 10mg/day.  Plus the Seroquel at night (100mg) and Lamictal 100mg twice daily.
Then, and this was the shock (!), he asked me if I would consider ECT.  My first thought was, "bloody hell, I really am that bad" and promptly told him NO, NEVER.  he talked through how it works and encouraged me to do some research and that he had seen good results when he was doing ssome training in America and that it might prompt the medication to work in the future.  With treatment resistant depression and with me, the meds work for a certain period and then I become "tolerant" to them.
I sighed, cried and then said if this round of meds doesn't work then I might consider it.
He then suggested I went as an inpatient for three months.  Problem is my health insurer.  And I think it's a good idea to go back to the bin for a while. Am considering going back to the UK and trying to get admitted there if I can't here.
All a bit of a heavy appointment and too much to think about.  However, I am feeling a bit lighter today and haven't reacted to the new medication yet, but it would probably help if I stopped getting roaring drunk every night (starting on the Tuesday by meeting up with a good friend of mine).
My BBF will be phoning me later to persuade me to come and live with her in the UK.  A friend I met up with yesterday also told me to go back as I "have no life here and it isn't doing me any good".  Yeah, she always makes me feel better....not.
So I will be on holiday in the UK to see friends/family from Wednesday to the last week of October - thinking time and decisions to be made.

Shorter post than the last one (no, really....)

You may have noticed my blog has turned pink. This is my attempt to be all girly and also to brighten up my posts. Something about colour therapy.

The last few days I have been pretty hyper (for me). Up before 7 a.m. (unheard of normally) and stay awake the whole day - I am getting so much stuff done!! I never knew there were so many hours in a day! All this despite a cold.

I really, really, really do not like the Lamictal stuff though. Am convinced that the drenching night sweats are down to this although I can't find much evidence of others experiencing this on the internet reviews I have found. I still have new spots appearing on my face every day. My bf tells me he still loves me anyway, but I feel so ugly and unsexy. And bloated. And I never really worry about my weight these days, don't even know how much I weigh, but I am definitely a heffer at the moment.

Waiting for my Psychiatrist to get back. How dare he have a holiday like right now!! No, I am pleased he is having a well earned rest with his family but I miss not having an appointment with him this week. The doctors at the day clinic said I must phone if I have a crisis, or in a major crisis go to A&E, plus my GP did to. I always tell them of course I will, followed by the statement that I say that to stop them telling me to contact them because I know I never will because I convince myself that I am a) wasting their time, b) am clearly feeling sorry for myself and should just buck up my ideas and c) my bf probably won't let me for fear of me being locked up.

Tackled the hoooooogggge pile of bills, got them organised, know where I am financially (without a paddle) and finally built up the courage to talk to J about it all. I showed him a budget I had drawn up for the "fresh start" in the new apartment. He didn't seem that impressed, more impatient and that it was too much hassle for him. Could I simplify it? OMG is a joint account for bills a little bit excessive? I told him it was up to him but it was a way of making sure we had bills paid and some in reserve for emergencies rather than scraping around when a bill comes in. I pointedly put on how much money he has left over after all bills but didn't mention it but he did say that most of it was spent on food shopping which he and I both know is bollox but he was getting tetchy.

This, combined with the cold and sheer worry about how I can tell my friend that there is no way I can go on the holiday she has been looking forward to all year (no money, no passport, no money to get new passport), can feel myself starting to dip. Everywhere is so loud at the moment, can't get any peace to think.

Also had a message from an old friend who gave me a brief (unasked for) update about an old lover/flame/The ONE which I was eager to read but sad to hear he seems stuck in a rut. If only I hadn't fucked up and we were living out our dreams together like we planned.

The past is the past and all that crap.

Drinking again

Really shouldn't. Really really shouldn't. I drink far too much in one go, end up making a complete tit of myself and feel like crap the next day. Plus it's not strictly recommended on the meds I am on (Venlafaxine 300mg, Wellbutrin 300mg, seroquel up to 100mg, latriwahtever no idea how many milligrams as changes each week).

So the new meds (Latriwhatever) are building up slowly in my system and last week I had the headache from hell. Can't decide whether its from the new meds or from sitting in the sun for 2 days in my lifeguard job. Anyone?

So this week have sat in the shade, slapped on more factor 50 and no headache as yet. Actually, that's not true - just remembered I did have a headache yesterday afternoon and thought it was a thunder storm coming in (a headache is my early warning system for storms - maybe its cos I live at altitude). Well, whatever.

My medical insurer has kicked me out of their membership because I am behind on my premium payments. So I have one more week to come up with an alternative plan and there is no guarantee that the new insurer will give me a low premium. either way I am stuffed.

So how's the treatment going?

Well, so far there have been "no noticeable" side effects of the lamactil or whatever it's called (interesting raspberry flavour though, not nice when you've just brushed your teeth before bed) but seeing as I have been caking on the factor 50 I haven't had any sun reactive rashes (so far....).

Had a psychiatric appointment last Friday. Wasn't really in the mood for talking (plus I was tired from my boyfriend dragging me up the mountain the day before and have the prospect of working the next 8 days in a row) and had been feeling a bit tearful and depressed about how beautiful the world is around me sometimes. Wish I was in the UK living again on the islands off Cornwall, but I don't think that's going to happen or be right for me - it will just be running away again.

But I like running away.

So listening to my iPod on the way to the appointment and on the way back the songs were getting more and more towards the Radiohead end of things. My boyfriend noticed when I got home that I was not "right" and waited until the initial tiredness of sorting my brain out after my psych appointment before asking me how I was. the thing is, I am finding it more and more difficult to express how I feel and am sick of the sound of my own voice. Just want the world to go away. Anyway, J gave me a long hug and let me cry on his shoulder, then made me a cup of tea. this last bit is significant - he hates making cups of tea.

Sleep at last!

Slightly amused as have just watched an episode of House where a patient hasn't slept for 10 days and they try to find out why. Luckily, I am now sleeping much better - not sure if it's because of my conversation with Psychiatrist or because am trying to stick to a routine or a combination of both. Got my dose of Seroquel to the right level now and also have a new medication to trial - Lamictal - on top of my others. My depression is having mini cycles so this is to try and stabilise my mood. If it works then my Psych will overhaul all my meds so that I don't have so many to deal with. Boyfriend not happy about it - says that every med I am given is said to do this or that and it doesnt seem to work because I then get another one. He's not a medication kind of guy, more of a grin and bear it (or grin and whinge about it to everyone more likely). Of course, there are always side effects - one being that I may find I tan/burn more easily in the sun (yeah, gonna look sunshimmered as I tend to tan), the other being that I might be overly sensitive to the sun and get skin rashes, the most serious one being blisters for which I have to stop straight away and get a jab from the doctor to counteract it. Oh joy. I work at the open air swimming pool two days a week so instead of enjoying the free tantopup (yes, i know I know, wrinkles etc.) I now have to slather on the Factor 50, wear a hat and sit under the brolly. Grrr. Kind of tried half and half yesterday because sunlight is good for depression - right?

Feeling better than I did a week ago except for being anxious and obsessive about stupid stuff but I can deal with that at the moment. I had an appointment to talk about going to a "feelings regulation" group, in German but I think I did OK because she thought it would be a good idea for me to attend. Really want to go but looking at my schedule for work I think I am going to have to join the October module, when I have a gap between summer and winter season.

Better start tackling the bills. This may change my mood somewhat.