Friday, 2 October 2009

Shorter post than the last one (no, really....)

You may have noticed my blog has turned pink. This is my attempt to be all girly and also to brighten up my posts. Something about colour therapy.

The last few days I have been pretty hyper (for me). Up before 7 a.m. (unheard of normally) and stay awake the whole day - I am getting so much stuff done!! I never knew there were so many hours in a day! All this despite a cold.

I really, really, really do not like the Lamictal stuff though. Am convinced that the drenching night sweats are down to this although I can't find much evidence of others experiencing this on the internet reviews I have found. I still have new spots appearing on my face every day. My bf tells me he still loves me anyway, but I feel so ugly and unsexy. And bloated. And I never really worry about my weight these days, don't even know how much I weigh, but I am definitely a heffer at the moment.

Waiting for my Psychiatrist to get back. How dare he have a holiday like right now!! No, I am pleased he is having a well earned rest with his family but I miss not having an appointment with him this week. The doctors at the day clinic said I must phone if I have a crisis, or in a major crisis go to A&E, plus my GP did to. I always tell them of course I will, followed by the statement that I say that to stop them telling me to contact them because I know I never will because I convince myself that I am a) wasting their time, b) am clearly feeling sorry for myself and should just buck up my ideas and c) my bf probably won't let me for fear of me being locked up.

Tackled the hoooooogggge pile of bills, got them organised, know where I am financially (without a paddle) and finally built up the courage to talk to J about it all. I showed him a budget I had drawn up for the "fresh start" in the new apartment. He didn't seem that impressed, more impatient and that it was too much hassle for him. Could I simplify it? OMG is a joint account for bills a little bit excessive? I told him it was up to him but it was a way of making sure we had bills paid and some in reserve for emergencies rather than scraping around when a bill comes in. I pointedly put on how much money he has left over after all bills but didn't mention it but he did say that most of it was spent on food shopping which he and I both know is bollox but he was getting tetchy.

This, combined with the cold and sheer worry about how I can tell my friend that there is no way I can go on the holiday she has been looking forward to all year (no money, no passport, no money to get new passport), can feel myself starting to dip. Everywhere is so loud at the moment, can't get any peace to think.

Also had a message from an old friend who gave me a brief (unasked for) update about an old lover/flame/The ONE which I was eager to read but sad to hear he seems stuck in a rut. If only I hadn't fucked up and we were living out our dreams together like we planned.

The past is the past and all that crap.

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