Sunday, 15 November 2009

An a step backwards again

Bad week. It started with a difficult appointment with the Chief doctor (Dr. H) and psychologist (Mr. S.) where we looked at my alcohol consumption and reasons why I can't control it or how it makes me feel.  It touched on something from way, way back which sent me in to a near panic attack but it really shook me up.  I quickly dropped into a hole and stayed there for two days, missing one day of clinic because I couldn't get out of bed. Dr. H ripped a big plaster from my inner feelings and I nursed myself better by crawling under the duvet and hiding.  Progress because I didn't turn to alcohol to numb the pain.

I know in the long run that letting these emotions go and understanding myself better will be worth it, but sometimes it's just so damn fucking hard.

I attended the first meeting of the current module in the Emotions Regulation Group (ERG) the same day as the above appointment occurred.  I didn't participate very much, because I couldn't get my thoughts together, but I have homework to complete and so have taken on board effective interpersonal skills. One thing still doesn't sit well with me - If I follow a "formula" as to how to behave, how will I be able to let go the real emotion i.e. getting angry as this is replaced with calm negotiation? It seems a bit, well, like mind control "you will act as I say" mentality. Still ruminating over that one.

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