Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Relapse

I returned to the clinic yesterday morning after a "trying" weekend.  I had a row with my boyfriend about the Liverpool Poisoned Dwarf and was still stewing over it so by the end of Monday I was fuming and ready to let rip with not only him, but anyone else who dared to cross me.  Rage is a strange thing to explain - I feel my chest and throat tighten and the term "my blood boiled" is a very effective way of describing the feeling. Anyhoo, did the usual and went and got drunk. Yep, alcohol of the red wine variety in enormous quantities.  It didn't help that my friend working behind the bar kept filling up my glass without me asking (I know that she does this and yet never stop her) and before long I was staggering home with J, fell asleep on the sofa, only going to bed 2 hours later (and tripping over a large old style TV in the process - house moving).  That's 5 hours of my life. Gone! Vanished! All because I have no control over my drinking habits.  There is a strange sense about me that I don't even care, but the pragmatic side knows that I must or it will only get worse and I will repeat the errors my dad made.  So time to grow up and face facts, I cannot drink alcohol in a controlled manner.


I had my weekly meeting with my assigned person, Herr S. who I feel I can trust. We had, in the previous week, completed an exercise in which we were looking at difficult situations and how we reacted to them and were asked to complete homework.  The argument with J and the subsequent alcohol consumption was a perfect example of when feelings go wrong. So we discussed how I dealt with the situation, what feelings and emotions I was experiencing and considering alternatives.


What came out was that I had a choice at the crossroads and needed to take the other path away from alcohol. I realise I cannot stop at one glass, I know I can abstain from alcohol (as I did Feb 08 - Feb 09) and I don't want to go down that road.  My strategy for this week is to get to Saturday without alcohol.   Afterwards, I will try for the next week and so on.


I also have problems with my health insurance - there was an outstanding bill which was pretty bad, but now they want shit loads of money in back-payments which were refunded to me before they will pay my day clinic fees.  I am sure I am up to date and cannot find any premiums or reminders of premiums that are unpaid.  I see the sozialdienst (social services) tomorrow or Friday and hopefully they can advise what to do.

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