Friday, 25 December 2009

I miss real christmas

I wonder what he is doing now.  Probably never thinks of me.   But I am drinking our favourite wine, thinking of what present I would have got him. Thinking how I don't want to live without him. Never have, any thought of ending it has been because of the pain and guilt.  And the disappointment that I am that crap I couldn't hold on to him, that he walked away and didn't want to work it through. I can't forgive myself ever.  and despiter what he said about we could get through anything, he lied.  But I don't care - my love for him overrules anything.  and now I am the one living a lie. I hate myself, I should have left everyone's world long ago. i am not feeling sorry for myself, just sorry that I hurt someone so much and I can't live with it.  I guess the meds aren't working and my psychiatrist is in America right now.
Why doens't he contact me?

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