Sunday, 20 December 2009

Work, life and fondue and cheese soup

First day back at work today and it went....well.....OK. I achieved "promotion" on the ski slopes by stepping into my sister-in-laws shoes as a favour to her (she has taken a job in a bar which gives her work the whole year round, an elusive type of contract in a ski resort). I decided that I would give it a go, but despite today going really well I miss the teaching side already.
As for my mental state - I seem OK - yesterday evening I had the physical symptoms of an anxiety attack but in my mind I felt all right - calm, collected, no repetitive thoughts.  I had decided I would go out and socialise before going to work (volunteer) at the local cinema.  I went out, I was shaky, but I managed to sit in a bar all on my own and chat to acquaintances as they came in, in a calm manner, even if inwardly I was feeling uncomfortable. Gold star for me, reduced to a bronze for having two glasses of wine.
As for the weight loss plan - I haven't stuck to it at all and am being very harsh on myself about it, particularly when my boyfriend, who has an aversion to fat people, keeps commenting about my eating habits.  I know he is joking (at least, I think he is - he wouldn't deliberately hurt me) but it still cuts right through me. I have another plan though and hope to go on a detox plan, liquids only.  Surely some of the fat will disappear? I'm just not a good advert for the aerobics classes I teach right now. Eating a cheese fondue earlier hasn't helped - I feel like I have a stone sitting in my stomach.
My Psychiatric appointment last week went well and he reviewed my medications.  He said that the day clinic hadn't followed his instructions to wean me off the Wellbutrin and increase the Lamotrigine, so I have a new drug regime which entailed another trip to the Apotheke  (Chemist) with another prescription for a shed load of drugs.  Can't get enough of them. We talked about ways of tackling the alcohol side of things because it really shook me up losing a couple of hours the week before due to a binge session. There are some medications out there which can help so he wrote me a list for me to Wiki later. Which I did. More confused now - I know to have the willpower is hard for me.  I don't seem to be able to abstain for myself, I need a strong reason to go sober for somebody else.  But there is no-one I love enough to do this for. In this situation then meds would be a good idea (from previous posts you will see that I have absolutely no problem in taking medication as long as it does something to make me feel better.) One medication in particular appeals to me because it shows some side effects of weight loss.  Hmm, antidepressant known for weight gain + medication for alcohol abuse showing side effects of weight loss = back to normal weight?? Of course, the best and newest medication is just out of range of the Medical Insurance budget.  Rather like the NHS, if a medication is too expensive or you live in the wrong postcode area then you might not get access to the latest treatment available.  The drug I could take is simply too new and too expensive and only really used for the severely opiate dependent community.  A seemingly healthy person with mild addiction problems will be helped but a severely addicted crackhead will be chucked these drugs at the drop of a hat.  Sometimes I just don't understand the medical insurance system here - they seem to give loads of stuff free to those who have kids (surely they are more at risk of being ill?) yet singletons like me are denied access to other treatments because they are "too expensive". Hey! I have no kids! My boyfriend never claims for anything! Don't we get a no claims discount or something?
Having said that, the Social office were really helpful to me last week and are going to pay my health insurance premiums for a couple of months. They were practically chucking money at me thank goodness.  I have nearly paid off my debts (yep, got to get good at controlling spending sprees, yet another symptom of my craziness) and it felt soooooo good pressing "send payment" over the internet banking instead of staring at the screen despondently.
I still have thoughts of knives in my head. I seem compelled towards them and I know that if I do pick one up that I will cut myself.  It scares me at the same time.  Not sure how to explain this to my psychiatrist as I am in one of my "I am wasting everyone's time" frames of mind and that my problems and thoughts are insignificant. Which is not the grown up and responsible thing to do.
I wish a friend from my past was here to listen to me.  He heard far worse when he did some work for the Samaritans and I think he would not judge me with this situation. But that's like screaming into a cave - the noise keeps whirling around and around but never reaches anywhere.

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