Monday, 28 December 2009

Family Matters

I am sad today for two reasons. One, a lad went missing where I live and his body has just been found.  He went missing last week in strange circumstances and also looked the spitting image (and I mean exact double) of my younger brother.  I feel sad for the family and what they have had to go through - they put up such a campaign to raise awareness and I don't think any one person hadn't checked their cellars, sheds, lofts etc. in the slim hope that he would have curled up somewhere. The second reason is my own family shit. I was washing up and as usual my mind wandered to other things.  I was thinking about all the horrible things my older brother had written to me and the things I want to say to him and my younger brother but probably never will.  Then I opened the post which has been piling up for a few days now.  Yep, there was a Christmas card from my older brother (and wife) with a cheesy message about if ever me and J want to stay we are more than welcome!! I mean, talk about avoiding the issue, just because he is all loved out does not mean that an apology is out of the question.  He has even refused a teleconference with my Psychiatrist and me to sort out our differences, everything has to be on his terms.
Nothing from my younger brother or nephews though........
So I am sad (traurig in German- it is such an expressive word for it) and irritable, gunning for a fight and just in the mood for getting blindly, ridiculously drunk. I cried for a while, and then I was even worse when I opened a small parcel from my mum - she had made me a photobook of photos of me and when they were taken/background behind them.  It was so sweet. I had also spoken to my sister last night and she has had a stressful Christmas which my younger brother has been unsympathetic to. He is so double standards - expects everyone to go visit him and not the other way round.
Ahh, am just narky and sad and feel like I don't fit in anywhere.  Anywhere. And I don't think I ever will.

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