Friday, 4 September 2009

Bad bad days

Yep, it's negative old me again. Wish this rain would stop, doesnt really help.

A few ups and downs this weeks, and the downs have been really really downs. I feel like everyone around me are the crazy ones and I have to check myself to see if I am still real. Today was a classic and an experience I havent had for a while. It goes like this:

Already wound up this week about being pushed out of a get-together, I think i have genuine reason but as its me it gets blown out of all proportion, hence the self doubts come in, guilt, hating self, noone like me etc, etc. Then this evening went into local bar (no alcohol-well done me), sitting there chilling and looked around at the people around me and felt.......nothing.....like it isn't my world. Then started to feel anxious and wanted to just be in a quiet place and alone, so went home. Just about got home before started crying, tried to distract myself by doing the washing up but that is really hard to do when I can hardly breathe as I am hyperventilating plus can't see because of the tears. Collapsed on the kitchen floor for a while as the cat looked on concerned (or maybe hunger). Got it together just about, am meant to phone someone when I am like this but didnt want to make a fuss when I am pronbably overreacting to something, although I dont know what that something is (although a broken heart is still the most likeliest cause).

Went to bedroom to grab tranqs, ended up pulling at hair and desperately trying to calm self down. Took a massive dose of Seroquel so that I wouldnt have the roundabout thoughts in my head and hopefully my brain would feel as shut off from the world as the rest of me.

Anyway, eventually calmed myself down, pissed off that my "coping strategies" didnt realy work and I really really really tried to get myself under control, so now feel even more shit about myself.

What happened to my sunshine life by the sea and surrounded by lovely people? Those lovely people no longer want to know me, the people who I thought were lovely people currently around me have not been very lovely despite my efforts and my family are strangers to me and I can't deal with them anyway. So where do I go from here? I just feel so tired and lost without my "One". Which is a bad situation. Why do things have to turn out this way? Why do I forever fuck things up with this fuzzled brain, why does everyone dismiss me rather than listen to my motivation or reasons for doing something? Am I a doormat? I know I am strong inside but I just dont trust who I am anymore, I dont know who I am anymore and there has only been one person in my life who knows me inside out that could tell me who I was and could be now, but doesnt want to know me.

So my conclusion after all this is that I have no place in this world. I will be invisible. No-ones heart would be torn apart if I left. If I thought it would be, I would stay and work this out.

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