Friday, 1 January 2010

Happy New Year?

I guess that's the good thing about being depressed at New Year - no expectations that this year will be any better.  However, I am constantly telling myself that there is hope for this year, that everyone had a bad year in 2009 with relationships, money, work etc.
Even so, last night was, well, depressing.
I stayed at home for a change.  Every one of my few friends here was working. I am avoiding the bar I would have gone in to blag some free champagne because the barman has screwed over two of my friends financially and has caused a ruction in the village after he was sacked from his job (rightfully so, but I can say that because I worked for him in 2008). So I stayed at home, cooked lasagne from scratch and drank a bottle of wine. My boyfriend came home, wolfed down his dinner and went to bed . He hates New Year (and Christmas and Birthdays come to that) so I wasn't expecting much anyway.
This has been the worst New Year ever.
They never used to be like this, they used to be filled with good food, fine wine, fancy dress and phoning the cats at midnight so they could hear the new year in on the answerphone.I feel today that I can't really face anyone except my cat (boyfriend workinh)  and am finishing my bubbly while thinking of how i fuck things up, how a stupid kiss from a man who was just being nice to me that i didn't fancy fucked up my chance at true love and  I have never felt tintense true love since. But I can't turn back the clock, I can't have another chance with "the One". I think I am feeling sorry for myself, but I really feel sorry for the ones I have lost and hurt for my actions. I feel ashamed.

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