Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Levelling out and then dips again

I thought positively.  I thought, "I will try contacting some of my friends, see how they are." So I went on Facebook and started scrolling down the home page.  But then I saw them. Photos of friends having fun without me there to share it. Photos of friends in places where my heart really is.  And then I thought, well I have chosen my life and have to get on with it as best as I can. I am living where I want to and doing what I want to be doing.  And then I remember, I am living here so I can ski.  I wanted to live by the beach in the summer.  I wanted winters abroad and summers in the UK.  With someone I love(d).
And then I remember that some things are not ever going to be and I remember I am with someone who loves me very much and who treats me well and who tolerates my lows and calms down my highs.  And I love him in a sort of way.  Then I remember the consuming, heart wrenching, whole being love I felt before.  And then I ask myself, why the surreal happened and I kissed another for no reason other than he was being nice to me and talked sense about lifes lows, that finally someone seemed to "get it" in the days when I couldn't express it to anyone and the doctor turned me away.
Then I remember why I hate myself sometimes for being the very cheat that I despise, would it have made a difference if I had confessed even though the person was so insignificant to me that to confess would have deeply hurt the one I truly loved?
Would I ever have another chance to right the wrongs, to rebuild the trust.
Because I know if I could drop everything tomorrow for another chance, that I would.  We are meant to be, I just know it.
And if we are not to be, I don't know how to get past that, because 7 years of time hasn't changed a thing except I am aware of who I am now.
The pain and hurt is still there, in my throat, in my chest.  It is nearly overwhelming me and I am verging on the wrong side of the knife which has been my companion since school, faithfully there through the lows, marking my skin, pain causing pain healing pain.

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