Haven't blogged for a week because, well, I just couldn't be arsed. I have been feeling better after the New Year downer until I realised it was then my birthday. Being 35 is certainly more shit than being 34 purely because I now have to tick the 35-45 category on surveys and I am kind of not able to still get away with dancing on the bar and causing arguments with random strangers as I am meant to be "grown up".
And my boyfriend has been in an arsey mood for the last week because it's his birthday today. Not that I've seen him since our work shifts clash nicely.
Still got to post Christmas presents. Still got no money (except for the tiny amount I will be earning on the side for the next two nights running a glühwein stall) and still got bills to pay. Dreading getting my first tax bill. If I could just have the next two months being paid enough to clear that backlog then I will be OK.
Not toooooo much thinking about past lives/cutting self/crying lots (good) but far to much drinking going on. Last night I ended up with my head down the toilet at home and then passing out on the bathroom floor (snoring apparently). Only the cat seemed concerned, maybe he thought his source of food and attention was about to pop her clogs. anyway, I missed my night time medication (not good), feel like crap today (not good), but vaguely remember being slightly well behaved even though I was off my tits on beer/prosecco/red wine and even ate a local donkey kebab. That's probably why my head was down the toilet then. All I do remember is that I didn't pay for any drinks because I had no money, choosing to instead run up bar tabs to be paid when I am in a state to feel ashamed by them.
I got a book - I can make you Thin by Paul Mckenna. It''s how to improve your relationship with food rather than go on a crash diet. I really like the philosophy involved and how to approach food. Am thinking it may work with the drink side as well, so maybe I can control my drink through changing my attitude rather than medication. The panic for me is the thought of never having a drink again. Anyway, nearly a year since I stopped being sober so maybe I go teetotal again.