Monday, 4 January 2010

On the Up, thank goodness

I appear to be out of a five day depression and I am so grateful, I felt horrible and even the meds weren't working.  I  hate feeling so low and I try to feel positive but feelings are feelings and emotions are emotions - positive thinking is just not something that sinks in when my brain chemistry is fucked anyway.  Yesterday was a terrible struggle to get to work and maintain some form of control when all I could cope with was having a shedload of seroquel and sleeping it off.  (I love oblivion). but I didn't, and I got through the day, even forced myself (and I mean humungous effort) to go ski-ing, kept telling myself I would feel better, but in the end instead of me letting down a friend, they let me down and didn't appear.  OK, I thought, my man is still skiing and we haven't had much time together, but no, he was back in the village already.  Felt sad, disappointed and unloved - yep, all my own insecurities and I should just "get over it" but I don't function like normal people and just couldn't. Thought bollocks to it, need oblivion and turned to the red wine instead of the prescription meds.
Realised that while before I would just self harm, the last 7 years I have self medicated with alcohol (which leads to even more self harm) and ask myself, why bother anyway, it's not like I am anyone special.It's not like I can cope or not fuck up relationships like I do.  I can't even face socialising tonight which is the only way of seeing my boyfriend as when he comes home he has a bath and goes to bed, maybe eats.  But I can't leave him or I would be as bad as the way my last relationship ended and J really loves me.  I just have to ride it out, maybe it's my pennance or something.

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